Terms and Conditions and Hilarity Permanent link to Terms and Conditions and Hilarity

So a slap on the wrist and twenty low-fat bagels for me: last night I followed an enticing web ad ‘exposing’ acai berry diets, literally the first ad I’ve clicked on in years.

Suffice to say, the word ‘exposing’ must have changed since I were a wee lad, as it now seems to mean “wow yes acai berries are incredible buy them as a blend in pill form and by the way use our promo code”.

Luckily, great amusement can be had — and thus the equilibrium of the world restored — from the terms and conditions at the bottom of the page.

Awards are needed.

The runner-up prize, which I will designate the Legalese In A Can Award, goes to this poorly proofread paragraph:

“If you are dissatisfied with any product you have purchased, you may contact the Seller at [provide Seller’s address, phone number, and email link]. If you submit a complaint regarding the Seller to us, you agree that our sole responsibility to you is to forward your complaint to the Seller. result achieved by a single user.”

No, the square brackets are not mine, they were in the text, but luckily that was the only mistake in the paragraph. result achieved by a single user.

First prize, however, goes to this peach:

“It is important to note that this site and the comments/answers depicted above is to be used as an illustrative example of what some individuals have achieved with this/these products. This website, and any page on the website, is based loosely off a true story, but has been modified in multiple ways including, but not limited to: the story, the photos, and the comments.”

So, and let me see if I understand this correctly, we started with a true story, then based a story loosely on it, and then we modified it in multiple ways. It now resembles a sausage.

Terms and conditions are the secret sauce spicing up our otherwise dull and non-sauced lives.

How to make your mobile interface look great Permanent link to How to make your mobile interface look great

1. Review the ‘release candidate’ Windows Phone 7 screenshots on Paul Thurrott’s SuperSite.

2. Make sure your interface looks nothing like those screenshots.

I mean, honestly:

The 'messaging' screen from Windows 7 mobile, with poor visual spacing, alignment, and sharp corners.

Ouch.

This media tactic annoys me (and will annoy you too) Permanent link to This media tactic annoys me (and will annoy you too)

In recent years there has been a sharp increase in media sources explicitly telling me how to feel. And I’m not happy.

It’s a classic marketing technique to assert how you want someone to respond: “You’ll love how we do this”, “You’ll wonder how you did without this”, and so forth.

However, it’s now (a) more common, (b) more outrageous in its arrogance, and (c) more in my world.

Here are some technology examples from people and sites I otherwise really enjoy:

  • TWiT network: “Netcasts you love, from people you trust.” (I regularly listen to TWiT and MacBreak Weekly and love the shows, but this opening salvo grates every time.)
  • The Conversation: “A live talkshow hosted by your Internet pal, Dan Benjamin.” (Dan does really great podcasts, but he’s not my ‘pal’. Yet.)
  • Mac Rumors: “Apple Mac Rumors and News You Care About.” (If you don’t mind, I’ll decide what I care about, so ditch the presumptions and stick to your good rumour sourcing.)

And then there’s the rise of the “and you should too” headline. Latest offender: Roger Ebert’s latest article in Newsweek, “Why I hate 3-D (and You Should Too)”. Ebert’s too good to pull this stunt.

Are readers and listeners presumed to be bereft of independent thought that they can’t make these judgements on their own? Is this trend being lamely shepherded in under the guise of a little ‘helping hand’ on how to respond in our media-saturated world? It’s disrespectful at best, insulting at worst.

So, how about it guys: let people draw their own conclusions, without resorting to cheap assertions which are arrogant and downright creepy.

I hate this tactic — and you should too.

Google’s search improvements need improving Permanent link to Google’s search improvements need improving

Today, Google announced they are rolling out an improved search results page.

However, they seem to have battered it with an ugly stick and made the page very ‘heavy’ (click for larger version):

Screenshot from Google of their improved search results page

So again, a few hours’ work, and I’ve created an improved version. Most of my time was spent:

  • Removing unnecessary details, such as grey dividing lines and search times (does anyone care any more what fraction of a second a search takes?)
  • Improving the spacing between search results
  • Improving the design of the left search choices

Here it is (click for larger version):

Improved search results page, with better visual spacing between results, a cleaner left column with titles to divide search options, and fewer unnecessary details such as search time.

Feedback welcome, as always.

Ah, the holidays Permanent link to Ah, the holidays

BBC News:

Bank Holiday travel and weather misery on the way

I miss you guys.

(Entertaining aside: headline on the front page puts ‘misery’ in quotes. In case they get sued I guess.)

Why the iPhone story is big news: a beginner’s guide Permanent link to Why the iPhone story is big news: a beginner’s guide

Some people may not understand why the ‘Found’ next generation iPhone is such a big deal. It’s just a phone, right?

The story has dominated technology headlines for days now, and shows no signs of letting up. There are now criminal investigations, with notable bodies like the EFF weighing in on the legalities.

Check out that first link for the background. Then, here’s a summary why the story is important to me, and why it’s important to others too.

I like that Apple invests in creating highly usable, revolutionary products, and to an extent I like that they do it whilst saying “to hell with the critics, we’re doing it this way.” Quite often they make computing fun and exciting, and the only other companies achieving that make things like Master Chief and Mario.

Gizmodo, the company that allegedly purchased the iPhone in question for $5,000 and then ran several stories on it, took an approach to their scoop that irked me from the start.

It’s a little bit the chequebook journalism, which is not a value I care for. It’s a little bit the smug writing — smug not from a perspective of investing positive energy and creating something desirable (as Apple can be), but from revelling in revealing something they probably shouldn’t have, riding on the coattails of someone else’s endeavours. (I am aware of my partial double standards in reading and reprinting rumours from people who reveal upcoming Apple product details, but I digress.)

However, as many have said, what irks me the most is the way Gizmodo revealed the Apple engineer who lost the phone in the first place, someone who seemingly had zero desired involvement in this story. They published the engineer’s Facebook page, a transcript of a phone conversation with him, and other gruesome details.

As it’s reported, the engineer didn’t try to sell the phone. He didn’t try to leak secrets to a journalist. He was just doing his job — which apparently he loves, according to his dad — and made a mistake, becoming media fodder without any choice in the matter at all. My opinion is that his personal details and story were irrelevant and should not have been revealed, and from this stems most of my sadness and anger (together with, and I’ll be honest, a generous dollop of dislike for most mainstream media’s ethics and priorities).

So these reasons are mostly why the geek community are riled up. However, here are two more reasons for the story’s scale, though not ones that affect me.

First, the patented Apple ‘big product reveal’ of this new iPhone, likely to take place in June, has been partly spoilt by this scoop. In a sense, it takes some of the mystery and fun out of the product launch. Deflated party balloons all round; consequently, the dispirited partygoers demand retribution.

Second, and most importantly, Apple is big news, and Apple stories sell papers — or your online equivalent. They make exceptionally good products which confound and delight in equal measure, and have a stellar marketing department. They also achieve their vision through unwavering control of the experience, again to the delight and dismay of many — and I put myself in both camps. They punch above their weight when you consider market share, and they expertly dapple in the beautiful art of showmanship that’s absorbed buyers on street corners for centuries. People can’t help but be transfixed by the Reality Distortion Field and subsequently angered by their own reaction.

Groundbreaking and disruptive products, coupled with strong emotional responses to deftly presented reveals: boy does that make for great news, especially when, completely out of Apple’s staggeringly tight control, someone lets the cat out of the bag.

This story’s not over yet; parties are lawyering up, and there are many intriguing questions still to answer on journalism shield laws, the full details of how the iPhone was actually found, and whether Apple will start any civil proceedings.

So. Still confused why the iPhone story is big news?

Well, put it this way. Getting the pre-release iPhone like getting an Oompa Loompa from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka surrounded by several Oompa Loompas.

Study in… um… Permanent link to Study in… um…

Facebook ad:

Facebook ad with title 'Study in Europe', but shows a blonde woman in front of a canadian and US flag, with two non-descript buildings in the background.

Wait… what? Where the hell is she? North America Land?

Tired, Link-Bait Journalism: Round 2 Permanent link to Tired, Link-Bait Journalism: Round 2

BBC “news” story:

BBC article snippet with headline "Chocolate lovers 'are more depressive', say experts"

Luckily the picture caption wasn’t so meaningless. Oh, wait. It was.

A picture of chocolate with the caption "Chocolate has a 'feel-good' factor, researchers say"

What’s that? Why yes, thank you for asking, I do think this story is a pile of shit.

The BBC News website was the last man standing in my mini-war against consuming mainstream media. (Incidentally, I’m using plastic soldiers.) I’m tired of my life being tarnished by emotionally-charged ‘news’ spiced up and spat out in an effort to increase page impressions and viewer numbers. I’m also rather sad that BBC resources are being spent creating stories like the one above, the insulting ‘And finally…’ of the web.

No more.

Tweaking TweetDeck’s User Interface Permanent link to Tweaking TweetDeck’s User Interface

I’ve been using TweetDeck for my tentative tiptoeing into Twitter.

Of course, as always, I immediately felt compelled to revamp the user interface, with my clean-up gun set to ‘Maximum’.

Here’s the before-and-after (click to enlarge):

A before-and-after of a single column view in TweetDeck, with simplified, cleaner appearance, fewer confusing options, and more vertical space to see tweets.

The key changes:

  • Cleaner display of tweets. Use a cleaner, anti-aliased font, replace the text-heavy date stamp with a current time offset, remove the posting client (note: not sure if that’s allowed!), and remove the divider line between tweets, relying on good alignment and grouping to separate tweets.
  • Remove the column background: there’s no need for that extra shading.
  • Reduce the visual intensity of some unimportant column parts, such as the Twitter logo and scroll bar, so the user can focus on the content.
  • Remove the row of buttons at the bottom, allowing for more tweets to be displayed. In any case there are better ways to implement those features than using confusing, icon-only buttons, and I’ve made a first pass at showing an improvement. Want to move the column? You don’t need a button for that, just drag the column title across. How about searching? Well, let’s make that a permanent box at the top where people expect it. Marking tweets as seen? I’ll be honest here: I don’t understand this concept in TweetDeck and can’t figure out (a) how tweets look when ’seen’, and how to ‘un-see’ tweets. I’ll take an initial guess and say most people are just happy to clear a column once they’ve read the latest tweets, hence the ‘clear tweets’ button at the top. User testing would reveal more.

This mockup was surprisingly fun to do. My focus, as always, was to cleanly present what really matters: the tweets! Everything else, to a greater or lesser extent, is just ’stuff’.

How much would Ghana miss Essien? Permanent link to How much would Ghana miss Essien?

According to BBC Sport… not that much.

A screenshot of BBC sport page, with a missing story (no content) about Ghana missing Essien.

(thanks to Gavin Harris for the lead)