(Yes, I appear to be in a combative mood again.)

5. Making bizarre leaps of logic when assessing Apple’s motives.

“The iPhone is a closed platform, and Apple sometimes seems inconsistent in how they approve apps for the store, therefore OMG IT’S 1984 ALL OVER AGAIN EVIL DICTATORSHIP I’M MOVING TO NORTH KOREA WHICH IS FREE IN COMPARISON WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN.”

4. Mistaking hatred of your job for hatred of fun in Apple products.

“Stupid genie animations don’t help me write the quarterly ROI report on bulk-buying staples for the 4th floor cubicles. Some of us have valuable work to do.”

3. Believing that if an Apple product doesn’t support something you want then it’s completely useless.

“iPad as laptop replacement? Yeah, right, in the store I tried hooking it up to my RKV-8DZ camcorder to do some Final Cut Studio editing and oh wait that’s right THERE’S NO FIREWIRE PORT. Why would anyone buy one?”

2. Trying to apply logic to emotion.

“Why does Apple get so much press? GenPlusPC Research shows they only have 3.9% marketshare across a midrange of pro-level consumers, yet they achieved a year-on-year increase of 26.4% in national press column inches! And now I’ve spent thirty seconds talking about them, which isn’t reflective of how much I like the products. Oh god, I’m stuck in an Apple loop. And now I’m talking about being stuck in an Apple loop. Help me.”

1. Taking marketing messages too literally.

“You think the iPad is revolutionary? Uh, hello, it has a battery, a technology that’s been around for over two hundred years. And magical? Waved it around in the kitchen, dishes still not done. Fail, waiting for revision two.”